"My fellow 'mericans. I'm addressing you tonight to say 'I'm sorry.' It turns out I was completely wrong about Iraq. Dick Cheney told me there were probably weapons of mass destruction there. For a second opinion I asked Karl Rove and Rummy. They agreed with Dick. I figured that was good enough for me. George Tenet tried to tell us there weren't any. I fired him. Collin Powell said maybe we should give inspections a chance. I fired him too. I guess I should have listened to them.
It also turns out Iraq has nothing to do with 9/11. I just used that as an excuse. That was wrong. Saddam has no connections to Usama Bin Laden. Speaking of Usama, I don't know where he is. The best lead we have is some guy told us there was a 6'7" arab guy working at Starbucks down the street from the White House. I dispatched the FBI this morning. It wasn't him, but we took him into custody anyway and he's on his way to Guantanamo as we speak. We'll torture him until he tells us where we can find ole UBL. If he doesn't tell us, we will lock him up forever as punishment for being Muslim.
Tomorrow morning I plan to instruct our generals to bring the troops home immediately. To those families of the 1,700 who died in Iraq I say your loved ones did not die in vain. They died in a mistake. Sorry 'bout that.
Tomorrow will I call Dick Cheney at his "undisclosed location", which is actually the Halliburton board room, and ask for his resignation. Ol' Dick has been having some heart problems and has been asking for some time off anyway. Don't worry about him though. Y'all don't know this, but he got a big lump-a-cash from Enron so he'll be ok.
I will appoint John Kerry as my new vice president and I call on the Senate to confirm him immediately. Once John is in place, I will resign effectively leaving him as your new leader. It seems only fair since I stole the election from him. I know, I know. I stole the election from Al Gore too, but I just don't like him.
I had so much I wanted to do before I left office. None of that matters now. My poll numbers are so low there's no way I was going to get any of it done. I must be the first president to be labeled a lame duck only 6 months into his second term. But that's ok. Don't worry 'bout me and Laura. We plan to retire to our nice ranch in Texas where I can cut down trees and herd cattle all day. I plan to publish my memoirs as soon as Karl Rove finishes writing them for me. I got to "make my pile", as we say in Texas. Heck, if Clinton can make $10 million on his, I should be able to make at least $10,000.
So my fellow 'mericans, be good. Listen to Mr. Kerry. He's very smart. Did you know he was in Vietnam? He got three purple hearts. Also, be nice to the United Nations and particularly our French and German friends. May Hillary bless you, and may Hillary bless the United States of America."
That is probably the only thing George W. Bush could have said that would have made the Democrats happy. They probably still would have complained he didn't apologize for ducking his National Guard duties.